Finding success as a single parent

Believe it or not, the one question I get asked the most is, “How do you do it?”  (in regards to single parenting)  Yes, I successfully failed at 2 marriages. But like I wrote in my about page, at least I’m not at 7 divorces. YAY for me!  Anyhow, for my safety, when I was 2 months pregnant with my oldest daughter, I left my 1st husband after only 10  months of getting married.  For my daughter’s safety, when she was about 6 years old, I got sole custody with no visitation rights for him, which was the best thing to happen for her well-being.  That poor girl went through more hell in her 1st six years of life than any adult will ever go through in their lifetime. (She will be 21 in a week).   Single parents out there (moms & dads) if you keep your kids from seeing the other parent just out of spite… STOP IT! It’s selfish and your kids will resent you for it.  But then again, if your kids don’t want to go to the other parents home, also don’t force them because they too will resent you and shut down.  However, if you are keeping your kids from seeing the other parent, to protect your children from harm, that’s a whole different story. I have done that with my first child and from past experience, even if your child is getting abused, make sure to get an emergency court order to withhold visitation otherwise IT WILL COME BACK AND BITE YOU IN THE BUTT.

I remarried after being a single parent for 10 years. Sometimes even when you’re married, you tend to do a lot of things alone and feel like a single parent. I remember I often used to tell my ex-husband, “I didn’t get married to be a single parent”.  And since I’m a successful failure, I left my 2nd husband after 9 years of marriage for the well-being of my youngest daughter as well as for my own sanity. hahaha  I guess that’s not actually funny because it was a sad and unfortunate situation that affected many lives, but for some warped reason, thinking of my sanity made me chuckle because I’m far from being sane.

Anyhow, I never would have imagined that I would be a single parent TWICE.  At least the 2nd time around I was already a pro at it. haha.  I didn’t want this to happen but sadly due to his poor decisions that was the curve ball that was thrown at me and I quickly realized that sometimes not so great things happen to good people.  So, back to the question… How have I survived single parenting?  I never allowed the single mom stereotypes to get to me like, “You must sleep around”, “You won’t succeed” “Your kids will be trouble makers or do poorly with their education” “You’ll need government assistance” “Your daughter will become a teen pregnancy statistic” “You must be a gold digger” “You have kids to live off of child support” Yes, these are actual things that have been said about me, although not all were said to be malicious, but nonetheless, they were said.

I can proudly say that I didn’t sleep around. I AM successful with a career I enjoy. My daughters (21 & 9) have never been trouble makers & have done very well in school (grade school & college). I didn’t use government assistance. Although it was tough at times, I managed and my children NEVER went a day without food or shelter.  My oldest was not a teenage pregnancy statistic but is a happily married woman to an outstanding, successful man.   Me a gold digger?… ha… I am the thrift store, coupon saving, frugal type of gal.  Child Support?   What’s that? Yeah.. What a joke!

I feel as of right now I can proudly, with my head held high, say that I have succeeded as a single mom.  (knock on wood) I’ve learned to have thick skin and not let things bring me down for my daughter’s sake.   For any single parents out there that feel overwhelmed… DON’T get discouraged especially when things seem to be at their worst. I don’t say single moms, because there are also single dads out there that also have to be the mom and need encouragement and moral support as well. I once heard someone say that one fantastic parent is a whole lot better than two average parents.  I will say that one of the many positive things about being  single parenting (at least for me) is not having to make parenting decisions with someone else. It makes it SO much easier to do it alone. I have seen so many parents argue about decisions that one parent my not agree with.  Can you imagine how silly I would look arguing with myself for not agreeing to a parenting decision. HA. Yeah, I am grateful for being a single parent.

I can’t stress enough the need to stay strong. The need to find the positive in all things. The need for laughter. And the need to do what you can for your children even if giving them the minimum is ALL you can do. They will turn out to be amazing kids and who knows, possibly even better than you had expected. I know my oldest did!  I can’t even explain how rewarding and joyful it is when your adult child tells you “THANK YOU for raising me well”

• YOU must NEVER keep your children from the other parent just out of spite. But if it’s for their safety, then that’s a whole different story)
• YOU must not use your child against the other parent.
• YOU must constantly uplift your children.
• YOU as a single parent must be the advocate for your children.
• YOU are the one that must constantly tell them how wonderful and amazing they are.
• YOU must tell them they can do anything, and I guarantee that it will ingrain in their head and they will start to believe it.
• YOU must also remember to tell yourself the same darn thing so you don’t become depressed. Your kids need YOU
• YOU do NOT have kids from a broken home because you CAN make a positive & stable home environment.
• YOU will benefit from a good support group (friends & familia).
• YOU must model  for your children resilience, self-respect & self-esteem skills.
• YOU must teach your children that no matter how little you have, it does NOT define who they are.
• YOU must laugh often because life is better when you’re laughing! I’m living proof of that!